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Reflections

It's Not Your Feelings Causing the Problems, It is the Response to the Feelings


We naturally protect ourselves from uncomfortable feelings, and that is fine if the protection brings a positive result. We've gotten used to hiding and... that's not healthy.
It's Not Your Feelings Causing the Problems, It is the Response to the Feelings

by Michele Paiva

March 28, 2018


More and more, I'm noticing that people blame their feelings rather than their response to feelings.

An example. 

"I don't FEEL like being in this relationship because I don't FEEL loved and he FEELS like I'm worthless"

If I ask that person: 

Did he say you were worthless?

(No)

Give me specifics that implied you were worthless...

(The responses might be vague or have different meanings)

The list goes on and on. 

However, what really is happening, the real problem, is perhaps the wife or partner is suddenly behaving in ways that create walls in the relationship, because she "feels" a certain way. 

Individuals will always have a range of feelings, but how we respond to those feelings is what matters.

We naturally protect ourselves from uncomfortable feelings, and that is fine if the protection brings a positive result. We've gotten used to hiding and... that's not healthy.

If we feel sad or bored, we might run ourselves ragged playing "catch me if you can" to our sadness or lack of stimulation.

We might subconsciously create drama to "feel" emotions. We might be hooked on the intensity of a tearful apology or seeing our partner beg for our love, so we create experiences that are turbulent and dramatic. Then we say, "I wish I'd just have a loving relationship with peace".

If we know that energy doesn't die it just changes form, then unresolved feelings that are pushed down and ignored, become something else.

Think of how your body shows you what you really need to address?

Your heart might "attack" in uncontrollable anger.

Your asthma "gasps" in fear. 

Your skin "wrinkles" in recoiling self esteem.

If you address your feelings, and not blame them, you will find your responses will be much healthier.

I have clients who when they came to me, said that they were trying to find love, that there were no good men out there. Then they told me how they "responded" to not feeling loved.

Perhaps they were overly sexual, overly flirtatious. 

Maybe they played the damsel in distress.

Maybe they tool on the the "stripper with a heart of gold" role.

They (often subconsciously) sacrificed their own self respect and strength, in the guise of attracting love.

What they would attract more than likely, is someone who wants to control, deceive and degrade; for a projection of self-disrespect will attract that very relationship.

If they feel unworthy, that is a feeling. If they act unworthy, that's the problem!

So, how can you separate the two? 

Liberate yourself. 

Live as you wish to live, regardless of how you feel.

You probably don't remember, but before you learned to walk, you probably had a little fear after falling the first time. However, your desire to experience the freedom of walking, outweighed the feeling of fear.

On your scale of life, make sure that you are not dismissing nor acting only on, your feelings, but responding with your logic of where you want to be.

For instance, in the case of the example above, if you were the wife or partner feeling unloved, you would address why you feel unloved without blaming the person who you feel is not giving you what you need. Really dive into ways in which they do show you love, and ways in which you might not communicate what you need, and also ways you might be putting walls up. Then, act loving. The best way to get respect, is give respect. The best way to have boundaries honored, is to honor others boundaries, etc.

While the marriage might need work, it can come FROM a place of love not from a place of void of love.

Big difference.

When you make sense of your feelings and responses in life, you start to repeat patterns that make you feel that you are being controlled and "small". You'll feel more empowered and better able to address your needs and desires.

Have you seen my Metaphysical Anxiety workshop? It's free. check out.

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