On Mother's Day, you might have a conflicted relationship with your mother, or memory of your mother.
The day might be quite bittersweet, with a complex range of emotions.
You be feeling a sense of longing, or filled with love.
Perhaps your mother has passed on, perhaps your relationship was or is, in struggle, or perhaps you simply feel unsatisfied in the relationship.
We have a need for closeness with our mothers, yet, we also require distance.
For a daughter, the journey might bring you feelings of separation while also leave you feeling a need to fuse with your mother or, a mother figure.
I remember when my mother was alive and well and in harkening back to our relationship, now as an adult, I see many nuances of our relationship that have echoed the relationships of many mother's and daughters.
In my early years, during the toddler and elementary years, my mother was my hero, my "Shero". She could do no wrong. She was perfection, the most beautiful woman on the planet, the best cook, the most loving women I could imagine.
Then came my preteen and teen years. My mother, while still nurturing and through no fault of her own, became partially my nemesis. At times, the little girl in me yearned for her. At other times, I felt embarrassed that she wasn't as "hip" as some of my friends mothers, or as corporate as other mothers (n spite of my mother being self-employed, I seemed to have given more clout to someone in a corporation in that time). I was embarrassed that she went to garage sales and flea markets, that she sang to her favorite songs in the car, and felt her cooking was old fashioned.
In my twenties,while she was my best friend on many levels, I struggled to develop more autonomy from her. I wanted to be my own person not feel like an extension of her. If she said white, I said black, if she said yoga, I said weight-lifting.
Years went by, and in my early 30's, she passed away. In her death, in her passing, I learned more about life and about her endless strength, than I had for all of my years before.
Now, when I look at photos of her, as a child at the orphanage she was raised in, or the photos she elegantly posed for to send my father, her then boyfriend who was in the military, or her smiling on a bicycle... I yearn to be closer. To trace her footsteps, to see the world through her eyes.
This will never happen.
Even if your mother is alive, this will never happen.
As a collective consciousness, you will experience your mother and, my mother. As individuals, I will only see from my own perspective and life experiences, and you will only see your perspective and life experiences.
While you may hold your mother in the highest regard in some ways, you will also see her flaws, and that is natural.
While you can recall laughter with her, you might also recall tears or frustrations.
We might have had unrealistic expectations when we were young girls, partially because our society puts so much stress on mothers as perfection.
The Virgin Mary; named such to denote her abstinence, but Joseph, never identified as being abstaining or virginal.
Most mother's in fairy tales are either weak and dying, playing second fiddle to a king, or bashed as unloving and evil.
There is never a prince saved by a princess.
There are double standards everywhere that our mothers had to, and have to, struggle through. Perhaps, you too, as a mother, must endure.
Examples are, but not limited to, the radical notion that we must protect our daughters from a sexist, dangerous and cruel society while also working hard to help her fit into that society. Mothers must help daughters to be strong but, the notion of the sacrificial woman is still so enduring that many women see self-sacrifice as an asset, rather than a sabotaging flaw.
Daughters need autonomy as well as a need to connect... we need autonomy as well as to connect. Our mothers needed(or need) autonomy as well as to connect.
Sometimes we have to honor that the path we take as women, as daughters, is not the journey that our mother's took, and we haven't walked in our mother's shoes. It is so easy to point a finger and judge them for their trials and failures in our eyes, but in the end, they gave us life.
Regardless of how you feel about your mothers, you can honor that she is a part of you. Biological or not, her energy is imprinted in you, and you can take that energy and create whatever you might need, in the here and now - today - this moment, to create your own journey, with the rotation of energy given to you, through your mother, through her mother and the many women who stood before her.
Have a beautiful Mother's Day.